Gammons for President of RSN

I couldn't help but laugh at Jerry Remy's on-air verbal assault on Bill Simmons the other night. Apparently, the Sports Guy is in the running for President of Red Sox Nation, and the Rem-Dawg didn't take too kindly to Simmons's campaign platform, which includes potshots at Remy's chain-smoking habits. I've never personally seen Remy smoking his Marlboro Reds (he's obviously a smoker, though -- just listen to his wheezing laugh whenever he and Orsillo get into a giggling fit), but I have had the pleasure of seeing a glassy-eyed Remy stumble through a neighborhood Bertucci's. While wearing a nylon sweatsuit, I may add. In public. But that's neither here nor there. My point is, I think Jerry took The Sports Guy's tongue-in-cheek platform a little too seriously, and he's the one who came across looking petty.

There was once a time when I probably would have voted for Bill Simmons for President of RSN. His early stuff ("Why Roger Clemens is the Anti-Christ") was vintage partisan sports writing, and I still enjoy his occasional articles about the Bird-Era Celtics or Len Bias, or why Tom Brady is better than Peyton Manning, or who's more clutch -- Ortiz or Bird? Plus, Simmons's campaign platform has some merit for me. I, too, think Red Sox Nation should stop the love-affair with Mike O'Malley (and Lenny Clarke, Ben Affleck, and Denis Leary while we're at it). I, too, think Red Sox fans should have to pick Todd Benzinger and Dwight Evans out of a lineup (if you're like me. you can even pull out their autographs -- by the by, I'm eternally grateful to Marty Barrett, Joe Morgan, Todd Benzinger, Ellis Burks, and Dwight Evans for answering this little kid's letter). I also like Simmons's reference to his "Freddy Lynn" Halloween costume as a kid, as my most memorable Halloween was the time in 3rd grade I dressed as Spike Owen. Yes, you read that correctly. Not Roger Clemens, not Wade Boggs. Spike Owen. So anyway, the Sports Guy's platform is appealing to me...BUT...I'm not going to vote for him. Why? I really can't stand the guy. He's become too arrogant, too L.A. His articles are tired and formulaic. I'm tired of reading about his buddy Sully and his buddy Sal and his phone calls to his dad and his seats in the old Garden. I'm tired of people thinking that he represents the voice of the Boston sports fan. In short, I just can't vote for him.

So saying I was to vote (which I really won't, because the idea of an "official" RSN -- let alone an official President of RSN -- still infuriates me and insults my allegiance as a fan), who would get my hanging chad? Well, I can't vote for myself. I get too bitter about the Red Sox and a lot of my opinions are too heretical for these parts (I loathe "Sweet Caroline"; I think they need to build a new Fenway on the waterfront; In Theo I do not trust -- his track record is littered with high priced failures and cast-off successes). In all honesty, I'm more a fan of the old, pre-corporate Red Sox -- back when they were just the Old Towne Team and not a "Nation" or a brand -- so I don't think my opinions would go over too well with RSN. No, my vote's going to the best man for the job, Peter Gammons. He loves Boston sports. He's a UNC grad. He loves rock n' roll. He's a treasure trove of baseball history and knowledge. Plus, look at the fifth promise of his campaign platform below. He vows to make Thom Kennedy his Secretary of State. I've never met Mr. Kennedy, but I know he's a close friend of Trinity Church and both the Blairs and the Shattucks so, doggone it, that's good enough for me. Gammons for President!

If elected, I make 10 promises: 1. That I will get Luis Tiant, Jim Rice, Smokey Joe Wood and Janet Marie Smith into the Hall of Fame. Tip O'Neill made me promise I would fight for Smokey Joe to my deathbed. 2. That the Red Sox will provide every youngster in New England a video of Dwight Evans playing right field, so they can learn how to play that position correctly. 3. That all politicians have to pay their way into the park. 4. That, like Lyndon Johnson in 1960, Jerry Remy will be asked to be my running mate. After all, I was the first guy in Boston to discover him, at Somerset High School. And The Rev. Thomas Kennedy will be my Secretary of State, for the good of world peace, and rigging deals to get the best international players into the Red Sox farm system. 5. That the farthest west rest area on the Massachusetts Turnpike will be renamed "Wasdin Place." 6. That MIT will be renamed Matsuzaka Institute of Technology. 7. That we will built a seating section so that 1000 kids a game can get in--via a lottery--for $5 a head. 8. That if we can have cities and towns named after Red Sox like Wiilamstown, Lynn, Everett, Montgomery, Lee, the town of Westin will be renamed "Ortizton." 9. That Pearl Jam will play Fenway. 10. That every Opening Day, every school in New England will play Ken Coleman's call of Carl Yastrzemski's catch off Tom Tresh preseving Bill Rohr's no-hitter against the Yankees in 1967.